Safe, Strong, Stable, and Secure

When I imagined my ideal partner he was usually strong, stable, and secure. He was consistent and steady and I could rely on him no matter what…in a word: safe. That is the biggest turn-on for me is knowing a man will show up and not disappear allowing me to fully be myself without fear he will run away. And in my best relationships the men have been that, and so have most of my jobs, and friends...and my apartments. I notice a theme in my life of relying on other things/people to be safe in order for me to feel safe...which of course isn't safe.

While yes, reliability and stability are lovely qualities for friends, partners, homes, and jobs to have, I realize when I rely on things outside of me for security inevitably I will be disappointed. (Not unlike attaching happiness to something outside of one's self of course.) Case in point, the Napa earthquake last week (and the largest one I've experienced before). I had the same inkling of this life-long lesson around stability few years ago when a series of earthquakes literally shooke me up a bit.

As a Taurus with Capricorn on my descendant and Saturn on my Nadir, stability is my heart’s greatest desire in my life (if this sounds strange to you just read: I like feeling grounded and safe). Or so I thought. I see now that the craving for stability has always been my own desire to feel safe within myself. We love and admire in others what we want the most in ourselves and this case was no different.

I want to feel capable and strong…and secure. And for whatever reason I don’t feel this very often, especially not with men. I mostly want to hide and a lot of the time and hope they don’t notice me. Truth be told, I feel fragile and exposed most of the time (I believe this has a lot to to with my Cancer ascendent). Being vulnerable takes a long time for me as it takes me a long time to feel safe and stable in relationships. I often wonder if it’s safe to expose myself, so instead I hide, a lot...just like a crab who loves its home as much as I love my apartment.

I hide my emotions and sensor my thoughts, unless of course you seem to be strong, stable, and secure (or we are in my apartment where I feel safe to be my mushy sensitive self). But really, I’m all of those things I want so badly in another, in a word: safe.

The word safe comes from Sanskrit sarvah meaning "uninjured, intact, whole." How perfect that a word implying security leads to wholeness and to take the etymology further, could also refer to Self (capital "S" for reference to the divinity within). Those astrologically inclined with quickly notice the association of the words I've used with the qualities of the planet Saturn. (Yet, another word that starts with "sa," which I believe is no coincidence and also of course why I'm posting this on "Saturnday.")

Interesting enough (or interesting to those like myself who are obsessed with etymology), the word Saturn is the alchemical name for lead and comes from Greek Kronos. the god of agriculture. Kronos comes from Hebrew kiyyun "constant and enduring." Saturn represents within us that which is constant (read: stable, secure, and strong).

While intellectually I understand everything is constantly changing and nothing is truly secure, the child in me wants to hold onto something. She wants someone to hold her and keep her "safe." My favorite Rodin sculpture is called "Youth and Old Age." It looks like the young child is kissing the older woman, but she is clinging to tightly afraid to let go. The young woman wants the older woman to hold her and instead she is relaxed, one arm behind her back. I believe she knows the youth will find her own stability.

I've come to see that I can hold myself and no longer need a partner (or friend, parents, etc.) to rely on for this. In this way I can also be the stability for a partner when he needs it. I keep getting the image of us throwing a Saturn "ball" back and forth, instead of one person always having to hold it. Saturn is a heavy planet and that would be incredibly exhausting.

To sum this somewhat long/enduring blog post up...I will use the metaphor of a tree (as someone once told me our DNA is 98% the same to them). Trees grow roots, but it takes time. They use their roots for strength and stability. Their roots connect with other roots, but ultimately they don't ask another tree to hold them up (or at least not all the time). Their strength and stability comes from wholeness. They are rather exposed and vulnerable to outside forces, but they aren't afraid to show themselves.

I feel closer than ever to this tree/woman I want to be who is strong and gentle, vulnerable and secure. A woman secure in herself so that a lover or friend doesn’t need to be that for her. She doesn’t need someone to support her (financially or otherwise) because she can support herself. She can be held by her inner old age, or another when she feels ready to expose herself. Ultimately, she moves in the wind as both changing and stable simultaneously.